Writing about BPD is never easy. The crippling self-doubt, the unrelenting standards, the anxiety, the fear of being judge and the endless overthinking makes being open and honest a challenge. One day I’m all for it, determined to tackle the stigma head on, the next I’m fearful of being seen as difficult, weak, as unfit for purpose. This continual state-of-head affairs ensures anxiety reigns but this year, as part of Gscene Magazine’s Mental Health Issue, I decided to face it head on, help raise awareness and to come out as having BPD. Cartoon style.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Emotional Intensity Disorder as it is sometimes known affects those living with the illness in many different ways. Our cartoon The Missus, Me and BPD hopes to reflect the day to day realities I deal with living with BPD. Its like living without skin, every emotion hits harder than it should, every thought a beginning to a mountain of worries and self doubt, every action seemingly meaning a thousand bad consequences.
BPD is fuelled with crippling filters that ensure endless self-doubt, anxiety attacks, hypersensitivity, over thinking, self-harm, relentless unrelenting standards and indecisiveness. The indecisiveness that means on good days I just I can’t decide on which socks to wear but on bad days sees me isolate myself in a self destructive, depressive hell hole convinced the world and those around me wish nothing but harm to my worthless self.
But the day I decided to create The Missus, Me and BPD with Queen Josephine was a good day. A day I was confident enough to say that, regardless of the limitations my way of seeing the world places on me, it is time to challenge the stigma. To thank those who continue to help me live with BPD including Brighton’s LGBT+ mental health charity MindOut’s advocacy service and Sussex Oakleaf’s Lighthouse Recovery Centre. To flourish not just survive. To communicate not overthink and to heal not self-destruct. A day I know I won’t regret as I continue to challenge the way I see the world and myself. A day where my intense emotions don’t get the better of me.
The Missus, Me and BPD. Part of me and part of my life with Queen Josephine. A part that today I’m proud of. Here’s to many more of them – and choosing which pair of socks to wear in seconds.
For more information about Borderline Personality Disorder check out bpdworld.org
For more Queen Josephine Strip Srrvice and Ouch House cartoon action check out queenjosephine.org