My life in pyjamas

Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. Bored. Finally after weeks of nearly properly poorly my immune system has broken down. And I’m oink ridden. H1N1 is here and I’m exhausted; coughing and spluttering, sneezing and freezing, infectious and demanding, sweating and aching. I’m now Lucozade fuelled, ODing on Vicks, craving Soothers, praising the kind soul who invented balsam tissues and sponsored by Tamiflu. Twice a day.

As for Tamilflu’s official advice?

In some patients, serious cases of boredom have been reported. Call your doctor immediately if you experience this reactions, as they could be very serious.

People with the flu, particularly Wildblood’s, may be at an increased risk of brain freeze, confusion, or abnormal behavior early during their illness. These events may occur shortly after beginning Tamiflu or may occur when flu is not treated. These events are uncommon but may result in accidental daytime TV viewing. Therefore, patients should be observed for signs of boredom and a healthcare professional should be contacted immediately if the patient shows any signs of picking up the TV remote.

The most common side effects of Tamiflu are Loose Women and black and white films. These are usually mild to moderate. They usually happen in the first 2 days of treatment. Taking Tamiflu with food may reduce the desire to watch four grown women talk absolute shit.

Take these precautions when using Tamiflu:

* You should not take Tamiflu if you are allergic to the ITV, Channel 5 or WWII in Colour Boxsets, or to any overpriced pharmaceutical items with menthol.
* Tamiflu is normally not recommended for use during university study, as the the ability to read, digest and remember are removed from the patient
* Tell your healthcare professional if you have any hope of making out of the bedroom in the next five days so they can dash them.
* Before taking Tamiflu, don’t tell your healthcare professional about staying up to late on New Years Eve.
* One may get a little bit mimsy whilst taking Tamiflu. This is completely normal but it is advisable to avoid all home improvement / auction TV / random sports coverage. Prolonged exposure to daytime crap may leave one senseless and eager to overdose on Menthol products.
* Tamiflu may cause illusions of getting better sooner than you might without Tamiflu. This is nonsense and just won’t happen. Sweat it out like every other bastard has to.
*Whilst taking Tamiflu one may experience feelings of anger towards the Health Department’s decision to scrap the pre-flu season ‘Catch It, Bin It’ campaign. The patient should remember we no longer live in a nanny state, that the money saved by this move paid for the PM’s personal photographer and anyway you could always have paid for a flu jab at ASDA.

Tamiflu would like to point out that Tamiflu doesn’t really work very well.